Love is defined as an intense feeling of deep affection or a great interest of pleasure in something. Self-love is defined as regard for one's own well-being and happiness. But how do you define love to yourself? What does love look like for others?
When I finally jumped on the Bridgerton wagon, later than others, it had me muster up quite a few feelings when it came to loving myself as well as loving others. If you haven't seen Bridgerton on Netflix yet, then let me warn you there are some spoilers in this post.
Well, if you’ve seen the show on Netflix, you will know about Simon. If you haven't, you most likely have seen the memes or photos of him everywhere, with women swooning over him. I had to admit he is handsome (not as handsome as my hubby), but one thing I did notice about the character was how his sense of pride came from childhood trauma he experienced. His whole childhood was focused on impressing his father and wanting to be loved by him. So, when he didn’t receive love, he started to eliminate any forms of love in his life including promising he would never marry nor have heirs.
Not only was he way too prideful, but he also learned that he didn’t deserve to be loved since his own father could not love him. So, when he finally started to understand that he was in love with Daphne, he felt unworthy of her love and thought it would be best that not marry.
Your first view of Love comes from the household you grew up in
Part of Simon's story really made me feel emotional. It reminded me of a time, not too long ago, when my trauma affected the way, I loved myself in all different situations of life. I remember when I didn’t love myself at all, to where I was self-sabotaging everything having to do with relationships. I had to learn how to love myself first.
Let me tell you, learning to love myself was not easy. I couldn’t for years even look at my own reflection. I didn’t recognize me anymore; physically, emotionally, and mentally. Can you imagine? I mean not being able to look in my own eyes without having either an anxiety attack or just immediately starting to cry. I only saw myself as a victim of a crime and I allowed that crime to happen to me. Now, I know what you are going to say. Doesn’t therapy tell you constantly that it isn’t your fault when it comes to sexual assault cases? Yes…they do, but what you must remember for therapy/change to happen is that there has to be ACTION! I had to start believing it, so that my mindset would be changed.
Not all journeys are smooth, some may be bumpy.
Even when I started to believe that my assault was not my fault, it was not smooth sailing from there. This self-love journey was a bumpy road. I had to constantly work at it every day, even the days when I felt great and suddenly changed. Some of the things I have learned and keep doing to this day as I continue in this self-love journey are the following:
Turning negative internal speech into positive - this probably took me the longest, but it is something you must practice every day. I am not an expert at it, by no means, but when you start to think of something negative about yourself turn it into a positive sentence. For example, "I am so bad at running" to "I am so glad I got out for a run today".
Keeping a track of what makes you happy - keeping a journal or just a list on your phone of what makes you happy can start to help you develop a self-care routine.
Learn your communication and love language (this takes some time) - understanding how you communicate, how you like to be communicated to and understanding your love language help in the long run, especially in friendships and relationships. I learned how I communicated while I am happy and in disagreement and learned how to rearrange that (especially in disagreement) to not only get my point across but not to be an emotional trigger for whoever I am speaking with. Keep in mind you have a love language for yourself, and it can be different from your love language you receive from others.
Daily Affirmations – Now these are not for everyone, but they are not a bad place to start. It took me a long time to be comfortable with speaking affirmations out loud. I started with writing them down and sticking them to my bathroom mirror so I can read them in the morning and face myself in the mirror. I even have affirmations I keep on my work laptop that is related to my career and one tapped to the inside of my agenda book.
Schedule in your version of self-care (after you discover what that means to you!) - Self-care can mean anything, it could be sitting in a room in silence, having a spa day with your girls, playing video games, or even having a dance party by yourself. Schedule sometime during the month to have a day of self-care. Right now, I have scheduled one "No Social Media" day a month. I challenge myself to only use my phone for phone calls or to text important information the whole day. I even try to get lost in my own city just to see how well I know it.
Try therapy - I say this because therapy can be such a useful tool. I still go therapy twice a month regardless of if things are looking good, bad, or ugly. It keeps me on track with my emotions, allows for me to have a third party that is non-judgmental, and I get professional help. If you are thinking about the idea of therapy, download TalkSpace or investigate your health insurance. Many insurance plans will include mental health services with potentially low co-pays.
Keep in mind, a self-love journey or any change journey is not going to be easy but it is always worth it. It is worth it because it is growth and investment into yourself, which should be your most important person you take care of in this world first.
