How did my self-love journey save my life? Huh, that’s such an interesting question. No one has ever quite asked about my self-love journey from this perspective before. Nevertheless, here it goes!
One thing I’ve come to realize about MY self-love journey is, it’s just that…a journey and not a destination! Meaning, just when you think you’ve completely figured it out, something else within your journey arises and makes you realize you haven’t quite reached this picture-perfect place of arrival.
So, before I dive into my journey. Let me just assure you, no two walks will look the same. However, my purpose in sharing my journey is because I know that somewhere, someone else has gone through, is going through, is about to go through, or didn’t make it out of the same situation that I did. And because of that, I want to be able to speak my truth so that you as the reader may help a sister, mother, cousin, co-worker, daughter, niece, or friend become a victor and not a victim of their circumstances.
Back in the fall of 2004, in Fort Valley, Georgia. My friends and I were heading to a party at Spruce Street Gym. After parking, we began to approach the gym, and this 6”1, charming, and good-looking twenty-something-year-old approached. Dressed in all black, head to toe. After many long conversations with him, I began to notice that he was extremely intelligent and I loved his perspective on life. A little rough around the edges, but he could freestyle off of the top of his head…on command. Additionally, he was an aspiring barber who also worked on cars. He seemed to have a decent head on his shoulders, except for the fact that he used to be in a gang and had several run-ins with the law. One was, he was on probation for having his license revoked. However, he reassured me his bad-boy days were over, and he wanted to change his life around by going back to school. The nearest community college was Middle Georgia Technical College, where he wanted to become a barber and get licensed as a Master Cosmetologist.
Infatuated with him, I believed just about every word he told me. You see, I thought he loved me. Until I found out the type of “love” I was about to receive was going to come with a steep price. Everything seemed to have happened all of a sudden. However, now I realize I was being groomed to become a slave to his warped way of thinking. There were signs along the way. Yellow flags, if you will, but nothing I deemed worthy of a separation or a breakup…at the time.
Things begin to take a turn for the worst. When he would begin to tear me down with his words. They would pierce through me like a knife being held by the hand of an enemy. Only it wasn’t, it was the person I thought loved me. Arguments seemed to ensue more frequently. That is…if he were talking to me. Days would go by where he wouldn’t say a word to me…at all. It was weird because the day before we would have been laughing it up like we were best friends. Hours would go by and I would begin to wonder if there was something I did wrong. What did I do to make him not want to talk to me? It just didn’t make sense to me. Why was he doing this?
One day, while we were leaving the courthouse due to one of his run-ins with the law, concerning his revoked license. He was fussing and coming down on me badly. Making me feel extremely small. This is something he had begun to do regularly at that point, which chipped away at my already small self-esteem. Honestly, I can’t remember what the argument was about. The next thing I know, while my left hand remained on the steering wheel, I took my right hand and swung it as hard as I could to hit him in the face. And anyone who knows me knows that I am usually non-confrontational. However, when someone is constantly berating and bullying you. You can’t help but want to defend yourself, and that’s what I did. It felt good to stand up for myself! However, I do realize, hitting someone is not the most effective way to communicate your frustrations. That incident was the first and last time I was the aggressor. Unfortunately, I can not say the same for him, because that event sparked the beginning of a long line of mental, physical, and emotional abuse.
So, to answer the question above, how did my self-love journey save my life. It didn’t. God did!
In moments where I was being called out of my name, shoved, drugged, and put down repeatedly. God was with me! When I would scream out loud to Jesus for help, He was with me! And when I wasn’t strong enough to walk away from my abuser, God chased him away…He was with me! Because I chose to be in that relationship and stay several years thereafter, I believe God chose to turn my lemons into lemonade and use it for my good. This is why I can stand before you today, as a certified life coach and give you a small portion of my testimony.
What I have learned on this journey of loving myself is, no one is going to love you more than Jesus. After all, He did die for our sins! The next person in line should be you. Sis, you need time alone. A significant amount of time where you live by yourself, and learn your likes and dislikes. Work on becoming emotionally and financially stable. Study relationships. When you aren’t emotionally or financially stable, it’s easy to wind up with the wrong partner. Therefore, it’s wise to know God, His voice, and His word. Until you know your higher power, you can’t possibly know yourself. Knowing who you are IS self-love. The Bible says, seek ye first the kingdom of God… and ALL these things you are looking (and yearning) for will be added unto you! And when you begin to pursue yourself, like the way God pursues you...like a concerned parent does a runaway child. Only then will you truly understand how to love yourself!
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