My journey with self love seemed like it was a never ending road. Constant bumps, constant potholes, and constant circles. My destination seemed so far from my vision until I reached adulthood. During my childhood, I was always darker than everyone in my class. Having a gap in between my teeth made me even more of a target to young peers. I was constantly teased and ridiculed. But my hate for myself did not stem from the teasing. Though their words had a crippling affect, it wasn’t until I began being sexually abused that I really began to hate myself. With such a young, impressionable mind, I just knew it was my fault it was happening to me. As the abuse continued and I had no outlet, I began self harming. Harming myself just to “feel” anything other than what I was feeling. Harming myself to be in some type of control of what was happening to my body. As I grew, my hate for myself warped into my womanhood and dating became a struggle. I constantly wanted to be needed, loved, and mistook so many red flags as green ones because it was all that I knew. My constant self doubt was going to cause more harm that good, that much I knew. Even becoming a young mother didn’t cause me to love myself, but instead made me doubt myself more.
It wasn’t until my daughter was about four years old that I began to see that my lack of love for myself was beginning to pour into my child. It was beginning to pour into our relationship and how I parented. That was all the motivation I needed to prevail. I just woke up one day and looked at my hands, I looked at the scars on my wrists, and said “she’s watching me”. My journey with self love began. I began reading, going to therapy, and just really digging deep inside of myself. I learned what being an intentional parent was. I remembered my mothers emotionally unavailable patterns, and knew that I never wanted to be that for my daughter. I never wanted her to feel what I felt as a child, if I could help it. Once I began really healing, I was able to organically love myself.
This journey has been amazing, and I’m not finished! I learn something new about myself daily. I am able to hold myself accountable and I am able to use my mistakes as lessons. This has made life worth living because I am now free of self hate! I am free from self doubt, and I am free from constant pain and blaming myself. Loving myself has made parenting a beautiful and intentional journey, and I vow to break the generational curses in my family so that my daughters won’t have to heal from me. Loving yourself has so much more meaning than just loving the way you look. God is not done with me!
