I have an extremely loving mother. She never wanted to see me struggle, never wanted to see me fall, and since I was the baby of the family, l was.. well... babied. Somewhere in her loving, doting care, my little girl brain got the wrong message that I wasn’t competent enough to take care of myself. That I need reinforcements to make it through hard times. My sisters (who were 6 and 11 years older than I was) didn’t seem to need the care I had. Again, my little girl brain didn’t understand that the needs of a 7 year old were different than that of a 13 and 18 year old.
So I silently went through life thinking that I was mentally or emotionally lacking in some way. I struggled through school and instead of asking for help I had just resigned to the idea that I was in fact dumb, kept quiet out of shame, and was lucky enough to barely scrape by with a passing grade to get my Bachelor of Science at University. I was constantly anxious, never being able to trust myself, constantly looking to others to direct and guide me because everyone knew better than I did. I wasn’t safe in my own mind.
I reinforced my belief by marrying someone who just took over for my mother. He made more money than me, and already had his own place so I just gave over my salary and let him handle the finances because of course he knew better. I never had to pay a bill, make a plan for a vacation, or call a maintenance person. I was actually thankful that someone was willing to take care of me because there was no way I could do it on my own. I was safe. I was taken care of.
We relocated to Australia in 2018 and the strain of the move and being away from our families was too much and we decided to get divorced. Even though the marriage was clearly over, I begged him on my knees in pleading, desperate sobs not to leave because I was incapable of living on my own. I knew I would be relegated to a life of poverty, struggle and lack. I was TRULY on my own, paralyzed with fear.
I had to come back to Canada alone, no job, no car, to place to stay, no bank account, I didn’t know how to apply for a credit card or even get a cell phone account. I had never lived on my own. That’s when was forced to take a look at my capabilities as a single, 34 woman. I spent thousands of dollars on therapy and read every self help book I could find. This lead me to my inner child. I had to go back and talk to that little girl who thought she wasn’t capable and tell her that she can do whatever she wants. So I did. I dug out baby pictures of myself and told little Jinnie that she’s as terrifyingly powerful as she secretly suspects herself to be and even more so. I stuck up affirmations all over my mirrors and refrigerator and work desk. I gave myself a pep talk in the mirror every morning, even if was through tears. I knew I needed consistent, positive reinforcement to undo all of beliefs that I kept me small and scared.
The transformation was unbelievable! Not only do I have my own place, a car and a full time job but I also gave myself the self confidence to purse a successful acting career and went back to school and got my Certificate in Holistic Wellness Coaching, I wake up everyday happy, and assured to a life full of miracles that I, that scared little girl, co-created with Spirit. I now help women like me find their inner bad b*tch and give them the self confidence to pursue their dreams. We all have everything we need to create the life of our dreams inside of us already. We just have to find it, nurture it and watch it grow.
