The thing most people don’t understand about self-love is that it's not always peaceful, it's not always serene. Self-love is in fact very disruptive. It’s unraveling. It’s intense. Unstable and very often it feels like it's not worth the constant effort. At the other end of it, self-love is rewarding, it is a gift you give yourself that you can absolutely be sure no one can ever take from you. Why is it easier for us to get a new hairstyle than it is for us to forgive ourselves for things we allowed and tolerated out of love? It's because self-love isn’t just about an act, it’s a constant journey that requires emotional vulnerability.
During my time in the Navy, I remember standing watch on the flight deck at 2am. I looked over across the water as the ship sailed heading to our first port call in Naples, Italy. I remember thinking “how would it feel if I jumped off this ship” would anyone care and would they even find me. If I had 100 percent guarantee that someone would find me, I would’ve jumped. It’s true, my concept of self love hadn’t fully emerged then, but I knew what love was and yet still I wanted an escape from myself. At the point in my life depression had become so familiar with me. Death that was so attractive to me.
At my core the plan has always been to live. It was the temporary escape death would’ve given me that I wanted more than anything else. But the cost of that would’ve been not being alive today to share this with you and in the end it wouldn’t have been worth it.
The point is, this what self-love looks like, it’s depressing at times, it's truly emotional and very often feels like war, and each day you wake up you choose how you want to fight the little battles to get to the victory of the war.
Self-love is staying alive even when you don’t want to. It's waking up each day and choosing yourself when others can’t seem to find the value in you. Self-love is understanding that being vulnerable is okay. Taking care of yourself physically but also knowing that you don’t love yourself any less because you’re changing. Your interests are changing. As you grow, your idea of what you love should change. Self-love is the consistent forgiveness of yourself for making mistakes. Give yourself grace and not allow anyone to dictate how YOUR self-love should look like. It’s your journey. You get to choose how you get there and when.
